Saturday, October 4, 2008

I'll trust my instincts from now on!

Hindi ko kinakaya yung mga nangyayari.. Well figuratively! I should have not doubted my instincts! I should have entertained the thought so I wouldn't feel this way. Hehe! I really don't know what to feel right now. Pwede kasi ako mag-tampo, but I just can't eh. Siguro, somehow, I feel left-out lang, but I'm a little bit used to that eh, so parang hangin lang sya na dumaan. Pwedeng itulog.

With everything I've been through. With all the realizations I had with respect to my relationships, with friends, acquaintances, lovers and others, I must say that I can endure every emotion that comes my way. Bring it on! I don't know if I'm really apathetic or plain insensitive. I even told a friend that, I can be on my own. Mas ok nga yun eh, walang distractions. Walang kailangang pakisamahan. Walang kaartehan. Walang kalandian. Walang sakitan. I don't have to consider the feelings of others.

As I always say, it's really hard to accept the fact that one cannot find friends in the real world. (Well I consider Law School as part of the real world). Kumbaga, the term "friends" in law school would be equivalent to a "companion", a buddy. Yun bang kasa-kasama, for convenience purposes. And ultimately for survival. Well of course, you really can't survive on your own in law school. Gamitan. Gaguhan. Back-stabban. It's hard. Napakahirap, buti madali ko na-set yung mind ko that, in the end, my success depends entirely on me. Hindi ako nagkamali sa realization ko that, my relationships with people in law school should be on a professional level. It's really hard when you mix it up kasi with emotions.

It may be hard but it's the only way to be more focused with my studies, and that is to detach myself with others emotionally. It may appear unfair to some people close to me that I somewhat drift away (well if ever these people really care enough for me). But I need to do this, because I don't want to let my emotions eat me again. I don't want other people ruin my goals. Tama na siguro yung pakikisama, because I really tried my best to forge the friendship I desire, but it was futile. Ako din ang talo in the end.

So in conclusion, focus na talaga ako sa studies. I'll totally ignore the drama na. And kung wala talaga ako companions in law school, so be it, I really have to fend for myself.

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