Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Timing is NOT Everything.. Balls Maybe?

Is there really a Perfect Timing for everything?

I do not know. Maybe there is. Maybe writing a post in this blog after 6 years would fall in that category of 'perfect timing'. Perfect timing to write again, to express your thoughts, rant about things you really can't blurt out in the open, so much so that you can only express them through written words available for the eyes of viewers you don't really know personally. Like YOU! reading this post right now.

6 years of total shutdown from writing a post in this personal haven of mine. And here I am again. Lost for words, yet trying to squeeze in whatever random thought I have right now in my brain, if only to find a refuge on these feelings being suppressed from the judgmental world out there.

6 years of total shutdown, and here I am, trying to figure out a way to obtain peace of mind from all the stresses that life has thrown out of my face or I allowed to be thrown at me? Either way, I do not have a choice. These stresses are quite overwhelming especially for someone who is at the point of struggling to survive this thing called life, i.e. paying bills, career growth, relationships.. among others.

Going to the subject matter of this blog post on Perfect Timing.

We all have our own story on this subject matter, and how we dealt with not getting what we desired, not achieving our goals. I, for one could say a lot of things which made me realize how vital maturity is in terms of accepting defeat or failure, and the common realization to appease oneself from all these unfavorable results or outcomes all boils down to that two words "PERFECT TIMING". People would always tell you that "IT IS NOT YOUR TIME", "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME", "MAYBE  THERE IS SOMETHING MORE OR BETTER IN STORE FOR YOU IN TIME". All these "encouraging", "motivational", or should I say "inspirational" words to uplift that broken soul from all the heartaches brought about by such failed attempts towards your goals give us an idea that WE ARE NOT IN ANY WAY DESERVING. As a consolation, we are being appeased by those words that WE MAY DESERVE TO GET THAT FAVORABLE RESULT, BUT NOT AT THIS TIME, or YOU DESERVE SOMETHING/SOMEONE ELSE.

We often experience the foregoing scenario in competitions such as sports, beauty contest, singing contest etc.. In career promotions, and most especially in our romantic relationships.

The point of this whole blog post is for me to express my sentiments on two recent events in my life which made me realize, how it is difficult to choose between being happy and being contented, so much so that you have to give up one over the other, if only to achieve peace of mind and to cater to what truly is important factoring in the present circumstances you are into.

Let's talk about career.  Recently, I was was caught in a dilemma of choosing between a career I know I am good at and I love and a career with a good compensation. I chose the latter, for the simple reason that I needed money at that time to pay off some personal loans and other family expenses. The choice was made at that point in time wherein I know for a fact that I can be much better at what I am doing. At that point in time wherein, while I am stressed, I am happy. I have flexibility and freedom to be productive at my own pace. While the career is not that financial rewarding I still survive and get by each day.

With the career I chose, I can honestly say that while compensation is relatively higher, I am not happy. It thus begs the question: Did I make the right decision? Obviously not.  Will I ever come back to the career which makes me feel more relevant, happy and contended? That is something I cannot say with certainty right now. At the back of my head, a battle ensues between going back to the career I truly love and to a career which satisfies my current financial needs, which I cannot actually disregard.

My resolve is to go back when I am ready to forego the rewarding compensation that the current career offers right now. But will I ever get back to that career I truly love? Will it not be too late for me when that time comes that I am ready to go back? When is the perfect time to do what you truly love?

Let's talk about relationships. When you're in the middle of a 'career confusion', not knowing where you truly belong will definitely cause you some emotional and mental breakdown, and on the side you're relationship with your significant other hits rock bottom, you really would ask yourself what you did to deserve being in such a situation.

With a partner who you felt is insensitive, and misunderstood your job/career, you would really think twice whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with the person. You felt how toxic the relationship is and yet you choose to stay. You choose to stay, because you still try to look for good things in the relationship which would make it work. Then suddenly you will meet someone. Someone way mature than your current partner. Someone with a vision. Someone with a plan. Someone with a promise for you and the person to last a lifetime. You will fall for the person. You will express admiration.. and eventually love for the person...

Yes. I cheated on my partner. In those periods of time I am with this other person I met, I felt I found someone whom I could share my last breath with. Someone who will take care and pamper me with affection, not the other way around. I just felt bliss. I just felt I am myself, no pretensions.. no inhibitions.. I can express myself freely..

But it came to a point when I have to make a choice. I chose my current partner over the one I met recently. It was a hard decision on my part, but it would not be hard if I do not have feelings anymore with my current.

I could not characterize how I disgusted I am with myself, for breaking two hearts at the same time. I broke my current partner's heart with my confession that I cheated and at the same time I had to break the other person's heart when I chose my current partner over the former.

I met and loved someone at the wrong time. At a time when I have committed to loving someone.
What I had with that 'someone' was so perfect that I don't want it to end. But it would be the greatest crime of all when I continued pursuing the affair.

While I felt every desire of my heart for a partner with the person I just met recently, maybe we were not meant to be together as lovers. Truly, timing is a bitch. I meat someone in the most inopportune time. While what we felt is a genuine expression of love, it cannot proceed into something more than that. Such expression cannot attain the fruition which every couple intends to achieve. There can never be a perfect timing for both of us if I am committed to someone else. If we truly are bound to achieve that, the universe will conspire to bring us to that perfect time, that perfect moment.. A moment that is not time bound but timeless...

We really have to move on with these experiences we have.. Experiences which test our character and faith. Experiences which would help us realize the value of the relationships we build, be it professionally or romantically. With the experiences I had in relation to my career I could say what I truly love to do for the rest of my life, as along as I can, and I guess I would have to stick with that. Although there are certain factors hindering me to pursue what I truly love the most now, I know the perfect time will come. The same equally applies to my romantic relationship with my partner. I know I made a mistake when I cheated, but I will try to work things out and be the best partner I can be. Being aware of the flaws in the relationship, vis-a-vis our specific flaws as a person, I will try my best to complement the flaws with the strengths and realize that there is no perfect relationship but only a desire to keep the relationship despite all the imperfections.

Uncertainty lies in every relationship we have. We are all uncertain that we will end up with our current partners, or with the persons we just met, still we should take into account that each relationship we create is something worth living and nurturing, as only time can tell whether such relationship would lead us to that perfect moment or time where all the uncertainties are overcome by the love and commitment you have for each other..

I started the post by saying that "Timing is a Bitch" or that there is a "perfect time for everything". With all what's happened, I think there really is no perfect timing. It isn't likewise true that time bitches us sometimes, it is we who sometimes create the bitch out of the situations or circumstances we are into, by introducing external factors and allowing an interplay and intercourse of emotions, thereby creating indecision and unfavorable results. TIMING IS NOT EVERYTHING. But, balls maybe?

I believe it is more of acceptance and commitment. Acceptance of the risks involved in every situation we put ourselves into. If we do accept the risks involved then we are ready to commit to it and the concomitant consequences thereof, then we would know already the answer to every uncertainty we have mind. We will not have any difficulties in making decisions. We are the ones who can put a stop to the clock or let the clock continue ticking. As cliche as it may sound, "we are the captains of our soul".. We are the ones who will sail on to the path we decide to take on.. We are the ones who will light up the torch which will illuminate our future..

I hope I made sense with all the random thoughts above which I just want to express and somehow flush out of my system.. Truth be told, I just want to move on after all the indecisions I get to experience the past week, hoping that posting something here would help..

Moving forward, I hope I can get to write again more creative, inspiring or enlightening posts here.. I really miss writing and the peace it gives me...


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