Christmas Day. Even before I got up and fixed myself, I can sense that a war has just broke out. All the while I thought there’s going to be a ceasefire, but it occurred to me that, this is a “no retreat no surrender” feat. And so I decided to walk-out..
Literally, I walked my way out of the war and continue walking wherever my feet take me.. Good thing the weather’s good! The breeze of the air is so calming! (Nakikisama sakin! Haha!)
I walked from our village, to Madrigal Avenue, to Alabang Town Center, until I get tired and my tummy complained. And so I rest for a while and have my first meal for the day.. Contacted some people to hang out with but, what do I expect? It’s Christmas Day! Am I nuts? Of course they’re with their families, celebrating Christmas! Lucky for them, Too bad for me! But one text message put a smile on my face. I just hope I won’t see those people who have seen me like I am not in my right mind. Well, I just closed a deal! Haha!!
I continued walking. I don’t know, there’s a sense of relief when I get to walk and just observe people passing by, and eavesdrop on them. As one blogger like me said, which I often experience as well, there’s a story created in my mind when I get the chance to observe people and places. It’s actually a gratifying experience when I am immersed in that situation.
Anyway, as I approached our home and about to end walking, I heard raindrops fell on our neighbor’s rooftop! Gee! I was just right on time!
Alright! I must admit, KJ na kung KJ! Wala ng emosyon kung walang emosyon! But I just can't feel the Christmas spirit! Yes I do attend and sometimes organize Christmas parties, and I do greet some close friends, but honestly, Christmas is just an ordinary day for me.
Siguro nga tumatanda na ko.. Pero sa totoo lang, I want to go out at gumimik right now and tomorrow, but I can't. Sobrang pa-good shot muna ko ngayon. If you want to know how much I spent for clothes a few weeks ago, baka masampal mo ko! haha!! Although I used credit card, kakahiya talaga kasi di naman ako magbayad nun! Hehe!
I really tried to be merry this Christmas. But you really can't force your emotions. It's hard pa naman for me to pretend that I am happy, though I try to look happy sometimes. But at the end of the day, when you are all alone in your room, and there's nothing to watch on tv, no one's there to talk to on yahoo messenger, every good website you know have been visited and all you can do is hit the sack and turn the lights off.. Tadan! All the lonely thoughts come in, which so damn depressing! It kills me! Anyway ayoko ng madrama! Lalo na if I'm alone! I might slash of my wrists! Joke! haha! Of course I won't masakit! hehe!!
So it's Christmas day today.. Ito na siguro yung pinaka-walang emosyong Christmas ko. I've been to a lot of failures this year. Failure not only academically, but failure in my relationships, with friends, family and to those who have been romantically involved with me. Well ganun talaga, I can't have it all. But I know there are a lot of things to be happy about. New friends, New hopes, New realizations, and old friends who are still there for you.. Pero kokontra pa din ako, basta I don't feel it's Christmas!! Grinch na kung Grinch!! haha!!
At least, I get to spend another Christmas, and it only means I still have a chance to get a good one next year!
So long.. I just felt the need to write something..
P.S. I miss a lot of people.. Those people I get to spend Christmas in the past.. I just hope they're happy.. kahit sila na lang.. :(
My emotions do not make sense anymore. Grrr!! I hate to think that it's because, the major disappointment that everyone felt when our unofficial grades were released last week in WILLS, is actually sinking now. Well, Im not quite sure about it. What I am only certain is that the drive I have before the semester started, is slowly fading away. Except for WILLS, a lot of unexpected events totally destroyed my momentum. I'm talking about my relationships in and out of school. For the past few days, I've been thinking of quitting again.. I've been thinking of just escaping.. I know for myself that I have the ability to confront everything or everyone. Now, I'm hating myself because I just can't do it..
<><><><><><> As of tonight, I am still in doubt of someone.. I always wanted to talk yet I feel that this person doesn't want to. All along I thought that everything's fine, but actions speak louder than words. It's the problem with the culture we have. A culture which doesn't like confrontations.. I'm pissed because I cannot be myself. I should watch my words and just try not to offend or cause some misunderstanding.
It's cool to have so many friends.. Yet it's hard to maintain a friendship, for things would just get in limbo without you knowing it..
<><><><><><><> Someone very close to me left me without even giving a warning.. I know, it's a choice that this person has to make and I respect that decision. But this person cannot even stand his/her ground. And being someone dear to me, I am torn. I don't know what to do. Grrrr!!! I am hyperventilating right now...
I want to help this person, yet I don't have the courage to do it. I don't even have the resources. And how can someone help one who don't even know what to do with his life?..
<><><><><><>> I feel like quitting.. I feel like sacrificing my most cherished dream, just to give way.. I know I'm almost there, but with the turn of events, maybe it's time to leave, in the meantime..
Confusion strikes back again. I feel like I need a shift in my life right now. I just don't know what's happening to me again. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk.
In one of those stressful nights I just had, I thought of leaving all the things behind. Go to a place where no one knows me. A place where I can meet new people. People who, unlike me, have a lot of hang-ups. People, who can be satisfied with their lives..
I hope someone would help me bring back my sanity..