It's time. That's my last status message in facebook. What do I mean? Well, a lot of things. All the demons in my head just keep on eating me alive. I must admit I am on the brink of giving up. I just can't take the all the pain inside me. It paralyzes me and makes me numb. The apathetic me cannot anymore ignore the anger and not be affected by it. It's tearing me up into pieces.
I thought I wanted an escape through all of these. I wanted to go away. I wanted to leave that very night. I wanted to live the life I am living. I wanted to go some place where I am nowhere to be found. I wanted to start anew. But I didn't. I decided to lock myself up in my room for hours lay on my bed, turn the lights off and think. Thinking just makes me a little bit paranoid. A lot of things just keep on coming in and going out my head I just can't figure out anymore what is rational to a human person. Even the thought of suicide comes in once in awhile. But I still love my life to just let it happen.
When I typed the status message in my facebook, I thought it's time to leave for a moment everything I have been working for years now. I thought it's time that I live what I really want to do in my life. I am turning a year older in a couple of days, but here I am, pretty much dysfuntional. I haven't proven anything to my folks that I can be successful in what I am doing. I haven't shown I'd be able to stand up for myself. I always say to myself that I am certain of the path I am taking. I always say I wanted this. But the recurring confusion in my head contradicts everything I say. As immature as it may sound, I sometimes ask myself whether this confusion is a sign that I don't need to settle for the things I am doing and working for right now.
I guess its high time to jump into something that would alienate me from all these confusions. I guess it's time to do something that would make me more functional. Something that would fulfill every desire I have. Something that would heal every pain and suffering. Something more meaningful, something that would let me experience that there's really more to life. Something that would give me peace. But how would I get peace when everything's just seem so uncertain. I might be thinking something else by the time I end this post. Sometimes I feel like life is like a card game when you just take your chances. A lot of things might happen along the way which could really change everything you've planned and thought of would make you happy or give you peace of mind.
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How funny how it's easy to put into words (well not vocally) your thoughts, but if you are faced with an encounter with the truth you just can't spit out every single feeling you have with some people, say your friend, loved ones or your family. I don't know if you experience this, but its absolutely true with me. It's hard for me to express what I feel inside. I don't know if all the issues when I was a kid have something to do about it. But that's just me.
Sometimes, so as not to complicate things I just resort to silence. Silence is peace to me. I am more of an Action Man, a man of few words so to speak. I only speak when it's necessary to speak. But I hope someone enlighten me when it is really the right time to speak, 'coz I do get careless sometimes.
What bothers me is, what if both people who need to communicate with each other cannot express their thoughts to each other. The other has plans which directly involve you but did not bother to lay it to you. Simply put, the other person just decided for himself, thinking that you would approve the plan. Now, that's where the problem arises. A clear case of misjudgment and miscommunication.
Gee! I've gone so far! I only started with my facebook status and here I am telling a lot of things about silence, communication etc. When it all boils down, to one person who is just absolutely disturbed.
TWENTY YEARS
1 year ago
