Christmas Day. Even before I got up and fixed myself, I can sense that a war has just broke out. All the while I thought there’s going to be a ceasefire, but it occurred to me that, this is a “no retreat no surrender” feat. And so I decided to walk-out..
Literally, I walked my way out of the war and continue walking wherever my feet take me.. Good thing the weather’s good! The breeze of the air is so calming! (Nakikisama sakin! Haha!)
I walked from our village, to Madrigal Avenue, to Alabang Town Center, until I get tired and my tummy complained. And so I rest for a while and have my first meal for the day.. Contacted some people to hang out with but, what do I expect? It’s Christmas Day! Am I nuts? Of course they’re with their families, celebrating Christmas! Lucky for them, Too bad for me! But one text message put a smile on my face. I just hope I won’t see those people who have seen me like I am not in my right mind. Well, I just closed a deal! Haha!!
I continued walking. I don’t know, there’s a sense of relief when I get to walk and just observe people passing by, and eavesdrop on them. As one blogger like me said, which I often experience as well, there’s a story created in my mind when I get the chance to observe people and places. It’s actually a gratifying experience when I am immersed in that situation.
Anyway, as I approached our home and about to end walking, I heard raindrops fell on our neighbor’s rooftop! Gee! I was just right on time!
Alright! I must admit, KJ na kung KJ! Wala ng emosyon kung walang emosyon! But I just can't feel the Christmas spirit! Yes I do attend and sometimes organize Christmas parties, and I do greet some close friends, but honestly, Christmas is just an ordinary day for me.
Siguro nga tumatanda na ko.. Pero sa totoo lang, I want to go out at gumimik right now and tomorrow, but I can't. Sobrang pa-good shot muna ko ngayon. If you want to know how much I spent for clothes a few weeks ago, baka masampal mo ko! haha!! Although I used credit card, kakahiya talaga kasi di naman ako magbayad nun! Hehe!
I really tried to be merry this Christmas. But you really can't force your emotions. It's hard pa naman for me to pretend that I am happy, though I try to look happy sometimes. But at the end of the day, when you are all alone in your room, and there's nothing to watch on tv, no one's there to talk to on yahoo messenger, every good website you know have been visited and all you can do is hit the sack and turn the lights off.. Tadan! All the lonely thoughts come in, which so damn depressing! It kills me! Anyway ayoko ng madrama! Lalo na if I'm alone! I might slash of my wrists! Joke! haha! Of course I won't masakit! hehe!!
So it's Christmas day today.. Ito na siguro yung pinaka-walang emosyong Christmas ko. I've been to a lot of failures this year. Failure not only academically, but failure in my relationships, with friends, family and to those who have been romantically involved with me. Well ganun talaga, I can't have it all. But I know there are a lot of things to be happy about. New friends, New hopes, New realizations, and old friends who are still there for you.. Pero kokontra pa din ako, basta I don't feel it's Christmas!! Grinch na kung Grinch!! haha!!
At least, I get to spend another Christmas, and it only means I still have a chance to get a good one next year!
So long.. I just felt the need to write something..
P.S. I miss a lot of people.. Those people I get to spend Christmas in the past.. I just hope they're happy.. kahit sila na lang.. :(
My emotions do not make sense anymore. Grrr!! I hate to think that it's because, the major disappointment that everyone felt when our unofficial grades were released last week in WILLS, is actually sinking now. Well, Im not quite sure about it. What I am only certain is that the drive I have before the semester started, is slowly fading away. Except for WILLS, a lot of unexpected events totally destroyed my momentum. I'm talking about my relationships in and out of school. For the past few days, I've been thinking of quitting again.. I've been thinking of just escaping.. I know for myself that I have the ability to confront everything or everyone. Now, I'm hating myself because I just can't do it..
<><><><><><> As of tonight, I am still in doubt of someone.. I always wanted to talk yet I feel that this person doesn't want to. All along I thought that everything's fine, but actions speak louder than words. It's the problem with the culture we have. A culture which doesn't like confrontations.. I'm pissed because I cannot be myself. I should watch my words and just try not to offend or cause some misunderstanding.
It's cool to have so many friends.. Yet it's hard to maintain a friendship, for things would just get in limbo without you knowing it..
<><><><><><><> Someone very close to me left me without even giving a warning.. I know, it's a choice that this person has to make and I respect that decision. But this person cannot even stand his/her ground. And being someone dear to me, I am torn. I don't know what to do. Grrrr!!! I am hyperventilating right now...
I want to help this person, yet I don't have the courage to do it. I don't even have the resources. And how can someone help one who don't even know what to do with his life?..
<><><><><><>> I feel like quitting.. I feel like sacrificing my most cherished dream, just to give way.. I know I'm almost there, but with the turn of events, maybe it's time to leave, in the meantime..
Confusion strikes back again. I feel like I need a shift in my life right now. I just don't know what's happening to me again. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk.
In one of those stressful nights I just had, I thought of leaving all the things behind. Go to a place where no one knows me. A place where I can meet new people. People who, unlike me, have a lot of hang-ups. People, who can be satisfied with their lives..
I hope someone would help me bring back my sanity..
I ended up with a query on my previous entry on whether there really is 'injustice in lawschool'. Answering this from my observation and from my own experience, I would say that there really is Injustice in Law School.
Finding out that a lot of students in a certain subject failed and considering that these students are not those who, I can say are delinquents and are very much at par with others, one would really ask why they would fail the subject. I agree with the fact that a law student is not a master of every course that law school has to offer and thus it is not an assurance that one would pass a subject if he passed the other. But I believe that this fact would only hold true if there would be transparency in the grading system of the school. And I think the students concerned were not afforded such right to it.
Basic in constitutional law is the right to due process of every person. This is an enshrined right granted by the fundamental law of the land. The right which prohibits deprivation of life, liberty and property due process of law. Without thinking about the notion of 'being grade conscious', one would say that one's grade in every subject in law school is a law student's measure of survival. It is one's property right. It is not only one's property right, but as well as one's life, in that such property is inevitable for a law student's existence in law school. These rights must likewise be protected in such a way that justice must prevail. Justice as characterized by the labor law maxim of: "a fair day's pay for a fair day's work.", or similarly the popular bible verse in book of Matthew: "Give To each his due".
Despite these observation I have in lawschool, I am certain that if the people who think that they have the power to overturn justice, Someone out there has the supreme power to tilt the scales of justice in its right position. And as advocate of Buddhism, Karma lies ahead..
And so I failed again for the second time in one of my subjects, Law on Intellectual property that is. I got 69! . Isn't that something I should be ashamed of!? Like insurance, I was somewhat expecting it, since I incurred a lot of absences, and I was SO DAMN LUCKY to get called in the recitation in one of those absences!
I felt bad when I got the news that I failed in a minor subject, AGAIN!, who wouldn't? I was not really surprised since I conditioned myself on all the possibilities, good or bad. But I am not ready to accept the fact that there was no break down of the grades. There was not even the slightest mark of transparency. One would ask how our grades were computed? What was the basis/es of our grades, when we didn't even know the results of the midterm nor the final exams?
Someone told me to ask a reconsideration of my grade. But I think I would just create another injustice when there are others who failed whose grades are above mine and are just behind a few percentage to pass.
So, as of the last count I already have 2 back subjects with an equivalent of 4 units. Well, I can still finish law school in 4 years, since I can overload a maximum of 6 units, but damn, it will be a hassle for me since there would be some conflict in my schedule if ever I would take those back subjects in the fourth year.
As I always say, which is so much a cliche, there are reasons why things happen.. And I know for sure that there are reasons if ever I wouldn't be able to graduate in four years time. And I am very much willing to accept it.
Now, just a thought.. Does injustice start in Law School? Well for me, it does..
I never expected to get into another drama again. Well you really can't avoid it, and the best you can do is not to let it be a mental burden to you. I just realized that you can really get involved in an issue even if you are not doing anything related to it.
I am perfectly certain that I and a fellow friend of mine have nothing to do with the issue I am talking about. But we are wondering why the hell is wrong with those people who are treating us as if we don't exist. That is just unfair. What is worst is that when you want to settle things their the ones who drift away and ignore your efforts.
So I told myself that I don't want drama anymore, but what if you just can't get away with it? I always tend not to care with everything happening especially family matters. But sometimes not caring breaks my heart into pieces.
It's been a long time promise. A long time goal for me. I know it's almost on its way of coming into reality, yet I am torn by recent occurrences. I don't know whether these occurrences are signs. Signs that this isn't the right time.
Whether sign or not,I still feel bad. Feel a lot of regrets right now. Finding out the occurrences I said, makes me feel weak and somewhat feel I should have done more. I should have straightened things up a long time ago.
I know I made a choice, and I'm quite having a hard time with the choice I made, because it pains me when I know some people are struggling when I made that choice.
Wednesday. October 29. It was enrollment day. Medyo nakakainis kasi late ako dumating to get the schedule so, nasarahan ako ng magandang schedule. I was a little but irritated kasi wala man lang kumuha ng number sakin para naman nakaabot din ako sa magandang sked, but I just rationalize things and realized that as an advocate of justice, eh, to be fair with those who woke up early and went to school even before the enrollment starts eh I should really give way. And I must suffer the consequences.
And so as I've said to my closest classmates, that weighing the schedules of the two sections we chose from, I could say that there are advantages naman choosing the section we're we enrolled at. Isa pa, I actually thought about the night before the enrollment of taking tax 2 with Prof. Acosta rather than Caban. It would be more advantageous I think for me in the BAR.
Anyway, bat ganun kaya? ang awkward pa din namin ni Mike. I want to talk to him, but finding out that he failed Civil Procedure and automatic 5 years na sya sa law school, I kind of hesitated. Knowing him, I know it really is painful for him. I don't know what really happened to him, but the results of the midterms exams is really sort of a bird's eye view na of what's going to be the result of our final grades with Dean Jara. During these times, I want to be a friend to him, well I am naman. But I want to at least comfort him, and let him feel that I am here. May pinagsamahan din naman kami, which unfortunately medyo nasira. Anyway, I know there's a reason for his failure and he'll soon be grateful when he finds it in the end.
As scheduled, the interview for the prospective college scholars of ours was conducted also last wednesday afternoon. So ayun, we have to choose from the initial four students. I was shocked nung nagstart na kami and 3 of the four students cried during the interview when they are telling their family background and other things about them. I was a little bit rude I know, when I grinned once in a while, but I really felt whatever they are dealing with.
Nakakalungkot isipin na may mga tulad pala nila na kahit na naghihikahos sa buhay eh, gusto talagang makatapos ng pag-aaral. Yung iba kasi sa kanila, wala ng pamilya at nag-woworking student. Naisip ko nalang napakaswerte ko pa din talaga, na nakakapagaral ako. These students really inspired me more. These students taught me to value everything I have right now. I want to thank these people. They have somehow, strengthened the passion I have to continually support the advocacy for change. The passion of helping the needy when I became a lawyer.
I asked someone on a date. We've known each other like for almost two years now. Met her in a video shop. Nasa ugali ko na siguro to get attracted with someone, the first time you meet them and you have this feeling na this one's a good catch. So after a few visits at the video shop, medyo pa-cute and all the stuffs a guy does to catch someone's attention, from the tolerable to the lamest! Anyway, ayun, I can brag that I really caught her attention naman. I asked my friend to call their shop and ask for her number haha! Well, as far as I remember binigay naman nya. So during my next visit in their store, ayun medyo feel ko kinain ako ng lupa sa hiya kasi naman, kakaiba tumingin yung ibang staffs and alam ko they know already who I am and the lamest move I just did to get her attention!
We had the chance to eat together, so, I can say we had a date naman, kahit na ang cheap ng place and with some company. But I don't know what happened, parang biglang nawala yung interest ko sa kanya, I don't know.
But we managed to keep the communication lines open. Text-text, pero hanggang dun lang. Not until after almost two years, I've somehow realized that maybe I should try to continue whatever I've started way way back!
Iba yung na-fefeel ko ngayon eh, I don't know, maybe I've matured na din, or should I say I have moved on?! harhar! But Law school really is my number one enemy that's why I am holding back my feelings, to anyone. Ang hirap eh, plus the fact that I am uncertain whether I am really ready to commit to someone. One can say, that there's no harm in trying, but I don't want to risk a relationship anymore. I don't want to hurt someone. I don't want to put burden again on someone.
But this I could say, I am more than willing to enter into a relationship right now than before!
As the song goes, "Now I'm ready this time, I know that I'm no longer undecided.."
Somewhere, lost in the wind I'm watching you Sunlight touching your hair And I remember Somehow, we said that we would never stray But somehow we lost our way Promises too often spoken Are easily broken apart
I'm ready this time I know that I'm no longer undecided Don't wanna be A fool wondering what might have been
Trace of forever lingering Drawing me closer to you A new beginning Now I know There is no doubt I understand Just how fragile love can be I can't forget Your mem'ry found me Now I know where I belong
I'm ready this time I know that I'm no longer undecided Don't wanna be a fool wondering What might have been Through every day, into the night With only love to guide us I'm ready to go, coz I've got to know What might have been Let the lovin' decide, I can't run, I can't hide
I want you to know My heart will show that I'm ready this time I know that I'm no longer undecided Don't wanna be, a fool wondering what might have been I've searched everywhere, and nothing compares When we've got love to guide us I'm ready to go, coz I wanna know what might have been I'm wondering what might have been We're gonna find what might have been Oh I wanna know what might have been
They say that be careful what you wish for because you might get it. At one point when I have experienced, I think the greatest catastrophe in my whole academic life, I wished that those people who have somewhat have been responsible directly or indirectly pay for whatever their participation they had. For the pains they have caused me. Now, I must say, I am feeling that the wish I once asked for is coming to reality. But I do not feel glad about it.
My conscience keeps on bugging me. Those devilish thoughts, those curses I made are uncalled for! So inhumane!
Those people involved are now suffering the pain, I've wished they would have felt during the times that I am feeling and enduring them. I can rightly see through their eyes, and it pains me to see them that way.
I don't know. I know I could say that, Karma strikes back in the right time. But I feel so bad about myself when I did not feel contented of the notion of karma, and instead wished or worse cursed them.
I could cite a lot of reasons to free myself from the guilt I am feeling right now. The fact that these people could really deserve the pain they are feeling. The fact that they themselves might have done something wrong. The fact that they are the ones to blame for they are still in control of whatever the consequences of their actions or inactions.
But then again whether or not these reasons/justifications are true or not, I can't erase the fact that at one point I have wished/cursed that these people would bear the pain they have right now.. The pain that these people directly/indirectly caused. The pain that I have endured for quite sometime.. The pain that at one point I thought caused by the people who at one point I considered so dear to me..
The thought of detaching has already sunk in my senses and the less I could do is to glance and look back at those moments when everything's just fine.. Detachment, has already began, this might be a very difficult decision, but I think this is the only way to continually move on in these times when I don't even know who I can count on in the end..
As I've said in the opening line of this post that, we should be careful what we wish for, for we might get it.. Having said that, I am certain that I'd be careful from now when I wish for something to happen.. And I want to start by saying that: I wish that tomorrow's a brand new day for me. No more guilty conscience. No more hang-ups. Totally detached emotions. And just a more focused me this second semester of my third year!
How do you measure maturity? Or when do you say that a person is mature enough? By the way, I’m not talking about age here. I bet you know the concept of maturity I am talking about.
Everyday we deal with a lot of people, some our age, some a little older than us. Despite the difference in age, we try to mingle with them. We try to cope up with the level of maturity these people have. But what if, despite trying, you’ll end up asking yourself why you tried in the first place. When it’s a given fact that mature people and immature ones cannot co-exist, well figuratively..
Now, how would you determine if one is mature or immature? How do you get rid of immature people around you? Is it possible to treat them as if they ‘really do not exist’ in your world?
Immaturity makes any kind of relationship too fragile to handle. Much more when you’re in an environment where you expect people to be a little bit competitive with each other. In an environment, where you’re not even sure whose your enemy. In an environment, where there’s the possibility of people not only stabbing you behind your back but even when they are in front of you.
I am sick of immaturity and I’m afraid I can’t tolerate anymore all forms of it. The past few weeks that I became silent about everything that’s happening is already a statement. As I always say to myself, the more I talk, the more I could cause harm or trouble. And I guess there are some things which are not worth talking anymore because people would just end up arguing.
To those people who have seen my rage well that’s just about me. And to those people who have seen how I almost ruthlessly broke the innocent fixtures around, that’s just the way I release the rage inside me. So sorry for that.
Having said ‘sorry’, I want to talk about apologizing and the word ‘Sorry’. ‘Sorry’ is such a strong word for me, yet I find people almost always saying ‘sorry’ to others. It has become so casual a word that people saying ‘Sorry’ doesn’t even mean it. I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe that people are sorry when they say they’re ‘sorry’.
As they say, ‘talk is cheap’, so show me, let me feel that you’re really sorry for what you’ve done. I have a very analytical way of thinking so if the words coming from your mouth don’t appeal to common sense then I naturally have a hard time believing what you’re saying is true.
Taking the cue from ‘talk is cheap’ and relating this to the concept of immaturity, I must say that this two can stand together. Why? Because an immature person usually is a talk-shit! He/she says that he/she will do this or that. Or that he/she promises to do something for you or that he/she screams to the whole world that he/she loves you, and in the end they’ll ditch you. I believe a person’s maturity is measured by how he/she is firm and consistent with whatever he/she says no matter what.
Just a reminder to readers of my blog, talk-shits and those who don’t have ‘Word of honor’ are on top of the list of people who eventually I’ll get rid of. So spread the word!
I can't believe how bad I could be nowadays. There are a lot of evil thoughts coming in and out of my mind. Grabe! To the point of putting these thoughts into the category of "Revenge". What is happening to me? I hate to say this, but I am putting the blame on the people who caused me pain in the past. But, thanks you just made me stronger. You made me realize that once in a while you should keep myself on-guard with people like you.
Damn it! Enough of this! I just said in the previous post that I'm going to screw drama in my life (well in law school life for that matter)!
Hindi ko kinakaya yung mga nangyayari.. Well figuratively! I should have not doubted my instincts! I should have entertained the thought so I wouldn't feel this way. Hehe! I really don't know what to feel right now. Pwede kasi ako mag-tampo, but I just can't eh. Siguro, somehow, I feel left-out lang, but I'm a little bit used to that eh, so parang hangin lang sya na dumaan. Pwedeng itulog.
With everything I've been through. With all the realizations I had with respect to my relationships, with friends, acquaintances, lovers and others, I must say that I can endure every emotion that comes my way. Bring it on! I don't know if I'm really apathetic or plain insensitive. I even told a friend that, I can be on my own. Mas ok nga yun eh, walang distractions. Walang kailangang pakisamahan. Walang kaartehan. Walang kalandian. Walang sakitan. I don't have to consider the feelings of others.
As I always say, it's really hard to accept the fact that one cannot find friends in the real world. (Well I consider Law School as part of the real world). Kumbaga, the term "friends" in law school would be equivalent to a "companion", a buddy. Yun bang kasa-kasama, for convenience purposes. And ultimately for survival. Well of course, you really can't survive on your own in law school. Gamitan. Gaguhan. Back-stabban. It's hard. Napakahirap, buti madali ko na-set yung mind ko that, in the end, my success depends entirely on me. Hindi ako nagkamali sa realization ko that, my relationships with people in law school should be on a professional level. It's really hard when you mix it up kasi with emotions.
It may be hard but it's the only way to be more focused with my studies, and that is to detach myself with others emotionally. It may appear unfair to some people close to me that I somewhat drift away (well if ever these people really care enough for me). But I need to do this, because I don't want to let my emotions eat me again. I don't want other people ruin my goals. Tama na siguro yung pakikisama, because I really tried my best to forge the friendship I desire, but it was futile. Ako din ang talo in the end.
So in conclusion, focus na talaga ako sa studies. I'll totally ignore the drama na. And kung wala talaga ako companions in law school, so be it, I really have to fend for myself.
In a little while from now, If I'm not feeling any less sour I promised myself to treat myself And visit a nearby tower, And climbing to the top, Will throw myself off In an effort to make it clear to who Ever what it's like when your shattered Left standing in the lurch, at a church Where people 're saying, "My God that's tough, she stood him up! No point in us remaining. May as well go home." As I did on my own, Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay, Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do, The role I was about to play But as if to knock me down, Reality came around And without so much as a mere touch, Cut me into little pieces Leaving me to doubt, All about God and His mercy For if He really does exist Why did He desert me In my hour of need? I truly am indeed, Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that There are more hearts Broken in the world That can't be mended Left unattended What do we do? What do we do?
(instrumental break)
Now looking back over the years, And what ever else that appears I remember I cried when my father died Never wishing to have cried the tears And at sixty-five years old, My mother, God rest her soul, Couldn't understand, why the only man She had ever loved had been taken Leaving her to start with a heart So badly broken Despite encouragement from me No words were ever spoken And when she passed away I cried and cried all day Alone again, naturally Alone again, naturally
Have you ever felt so alone? Yeah right, we do get a share of solitude once in a while. It's a given truth we have to deal with, that people will leave you.
Even if there are still a few people I hang out with in Law School, still I feel I am alone. Law School stresses me big time. Readings, recitations and examinations are inevitable stressors, but I never thought that people you get to mingle with in law school could give you stress!
Tang-ina talaga! Sobrang dami ng immature sa Law School. To think that we're actually in post-grad studies. I tried being insensitive, being somewhat apathetic about events happening in Law School, yet I can't seem to understand why I would get involve in a petty issue. Tang-ina talaga!
I feel so sad tonight. I feel like crying, yet I can't. I don't know. I can't say that "bato" na ako, coz why would I feel this way diba?..
A friend reminded me the idea of "detachment". The idea which led me to believe that I can actually move on with my life without those people who didn't even care.
I'm tired of being good and doing good to others (well to people in law school for that matter). I'm tired of immaturity. I'm tired of insensitivity. I'm tired of being disappointed.
BURAOT NA BURAOT TALAGA AKO!!!!!! I want to be alone, yet being alone kills me! I want to be with someone, with people you share your interests with and people you can laugh out with. People who wouldn't leave you for others. Tang-ina kasi talaga eh!
Yey! Thanks for my pending downloads, I can write a new post! So what have happened to me the past few weeks.
-- Nakita ko na si Bamboo in person wahaha!, he just moved in with his wife who's pregnant in our village, and malapit lang sila sa house namin! now that's cool right! -- Hay, haven't got a performance level recitation yet in my civil procedure, well I expected to have one in my class today, but what do you know, I was asked a case which I didn't expect to be asked. Well it all boils down to being lucky in the questions thrown at you, 'coz I know the answers to the questions being asked to my other classmates. Tsk! Tsk! -- I'm quite appalled about hearing that, one of my closest friends said, that 'I wished that I was wrong in my answers to my recit', he actually was referring to me. Well, just took it as a joke, just not to cause some dead air. Anyway, I'm not anymore concerned with people wishing that something undesirable happen to you, it's a normal occurrence and I do sometimes do that! So patas lang! -- Hay, junior law school is really tough!, good thing I can still laugh out loud! haha!!
So long for now, my downloads are completed already! And gee its 1AM already still have to study for Wills and Succession! tsk!tsk! :)
Hmm.. I've been busy for quite sometime because of law school, which is really getting tougher and tougher as days go by, but so far so good, yet I still want to vent out which I often do as you know, when something's bugging me. Well, it has long been my problem when I entered the system, which is law school. I wonder if ever the connotation that the law profession is so dirty would leave my senses, when in fact, even if you're still in law school you experience some dirty tactics of your fellow students, moreso if they are your close friends and they offer you to take their materials. It's like you're being pushed to use a prohibited drug which later on would make you addicted and cannot live without it.
I am not certain whether the things on my mind could be considered dirty tactics in order to pass one's subjects but somewhat I feel that there is injustice going on. I really admire those classmates of mine who really settle for what is fair and just for their fellow students. I do try as much as possible not to be singled-out by the system but it is really tempting, because it's a sure way for a passing mark, but with the sense of idealism I have I really feel so disgusted when I see those 'dirty harry's.
I must admit, I had my share of those 'dirty harry' things, and I feel bad about it. It only shows that I, too have been maligned by the system. There's this struggle going on right now in my mind, thoughts are flowing in and out. Thoughts which provoke my inner senses either to fight the system, to live up with the system and shut my mouth or join those dirty harry's. It's hard to choose, even choosing the lesser evil makes you wonder whether it would give you good results.
I've been encountering a lot of eerie things in the past months. I don't want to believe that I am gaining ESP(Extra-Sensory Perception) but from the following events I kind of thinking that I might be developing some ESP. First Instance. Mari, Nil and I are about to meet Jamie and I have a hunch that Jamie's wearing red and yes he was wearing red when he arrived in our meeting place.
Second Instance. Mari, Nil and I are going to Carmona, Cavite to attend the wake of Bujick's mom, while we are on our way, a thought comes on my mind that Bujick is taking a bath, and I was right. When we arrived at their house, she was actually taking a bath so we waited a little bit for her.
Third Instance. When I got home, I went to my room immediately and put the dream catcher Mike gave me at the top of the tv cabinet. And guess what I really had a dream, and it was about a former classmate in elementary and she was my dance partner. And you won't believe this, when I opened my friendster account the following morning, she has a friend request to me. Gee! I haven't heard of her for years now. Well she has a family of her own now.
Fourth Instance. Something which happened in less than 24 hours, we had a car accident. Actually, I was in the backseat at that time, and while playing textwist and texting a thought comes on my mind that we are going to bump into another vehicle and guess what our car bumped a gasoline tanker! Gee! Good for us that there was only a slight damage on the hood of our car!
I know there are a lot of petty hunches I have experienced which actually turned into reality but sometimes I don't want to entertain them and blurt it out with my friends with the thought that I might be wrong or they might feel eerie about it. Hehe!
So, whether what I am experiencing right now is ESP or coincidence, you decide 'coz I am not quite absolute about it either! But don't worry if ever I get certain about it I'll keep you posted!
You really feel awkward when people, especially your closest friends you're with talk about some other people you hate, and these people you're with are not that showing the same hatred you have. Sometimes it is unavoidable and so you really have to stay calm and appear you're not bothered. So sometimes whether you like it or not, you have to join the discussion. This I felt, just less than 24 hours ago. I can't stand hearing some people's stories about this person I really hated because of some things that happened between us and I think with others as well. Things which really irritated my senses to the point that I don't want to see this person's face anymore. I know this person knows that I don't like (his/her) company or if not, I know (he/she) has some clue about it, but I'm willing to sacrifice once in a while to not to stay 'true' to myself, (me not liking him/her), just for the sake of other people quite dear to me. Enough of those devilish thoughts that I am going to make this person's life miserable when I'm around.
Well, I just realized I shouldn't be bothered that much because I'm the one who's going to lose big time! So that's it, enough about this crappy post..
June 2. Scheduled to meet Nil, Mari, Ivan and Mike at 9AM at school to see if there are available schedules already. But upon knowing that Nil and Mari is still at San Pedro, I chilled for a while at Starbucks in Madrigal. After a while they arrived, and we drop Mari's yaya and her family in SM Southmall, then we picked up Mike in his apartment. We headed to school where we find Ivan who's waiting for quite sometime, and finding out that there's still no schedule available! Hmmp!
Nil, Mike and me went to the library and stayed there for a while. When the library's about to close we went to have lunch at SM and afterwhich we decided to go to the St. jude Church in Mendiola. We shopped at greenhills shoppesville and then had dinnner at tiendesitas!
It was truly fun day for us, well just seeing each other and just having the time to talk about just about anything and fool around and laugh our asses out make me feel so alive! Well, aside from the fact that I can't feel any tension between me and Mike.
Iba talaga pag ang bait bait mong tao, tulad ko! haha!! Well enough about bragging, but I just can't help but open the communication lines I temporarily cut-off with someone. Well, I don't have a calloused conscience to ignore this person's text messages, but okay I must admit, at first I was into deceiving this person(sorry for the redundant subject 'this person', I just don't want to reveal if he/she is a he or she, labo ba? haha!!).. Anyway, as I was saying, I deceived this person that I don't know who he/she('he/she is better! hehe!) was and that I've lost my contacts. I even resorted to the idea that I have exchanged cellphones with someone. Pretty lame huh!? haha!
But, I was hurt by what he/she did to me, he/she was one of those people I am referring to who have betrayed me. Well better read that for a refresher! Anyways, I'm almost always like this, I just can't stand it when I find myself in somewhat a misunderstanding with someone. I just can't help myself but work things out, which is the best thing to do right?!
And besides, school is almost here again, I want to start with my mind in peace 'coz for sure this semester's going to be one 'HELL' of a Semester!!
I visited one of my friend's profile in friendster and found that we have the same chinese zodiac sign! It was my first time to have read the profile of the WATER PIG and I was quite surprise that, zodiacs sometimes are quite accurate. The attributes described below are truly in my personality! Just click the pics for a larger image!
May 29 is going to be a memorable day for me. It's the day when I'm going to bid goodbye to my closest friend way back in college who's going back to UAE and the day when I'm going to welcome the closest buddy I had so far in law school who's coming from his hometown Palawan. Pretty much a coincidence right? And here's another catch. Both of these people have been so close to me to the point that we are seen almost every moment. And the best part of it, I had a very serious misunderstanding with both of them, which really became the talk of the town, well for those close to us at least, because we hardly talk for such a long time. Well the good thing is we're okay now, I guess, though the one with my best buddy in law school is quite fresh, since it happened like a few months ago, but I'm trying to work things out.
Galing-galing talaga! It's like everything in this world is inter-connected! It's like there's a masterplan of your life!
I just feel good as of the moment. Good things do happen when you least expect it. The pursuit of nirvana I'm into is quite working! Yahoo!
Another thing, I have noticed that I maybe ready to forget everything that happened in the past which I allowed to penetrate my smooth sailing life. That sounds good right!? Well, I just hope things would run smoothly again when the school starts in a few weeks.
Have you ever experienced seeing someone everytime you go at some place, say a mall and it happens not only once but a couple of times It's a little bit weird for me, that I often see this middle-aged man when I go to the mall. From his physical attributes, I could say that he has some foreign blood.
I don't want to believe that he is stalking me, it's far from reality. Now, I am thinking that this person has got something to do with my life, and that I have to figure out. Our existence in this life has brought us a lot of mysteries we have to uncover, because sometimes these mysteries lead us to knowing more of ourselves, and somehow it brings us to a point where we have a taste of what lies ahead of us. The people we encounter are part of those mysteries and they play a role in our lives. Maybe we don't know them yet but surely when we got the chance to meet them, we would know exactly the reason why we meet them.
What do you know? I failed my Insurance Law. And guess what it was my first time to have failed a subject in school my whole life. No one's to blame but me, technically, well I'd like to put blame on someone else but it all boils down on me, though there is some contributory fault I guess that I could attribute to some people. But the thing is it could have not happened if I didn't give in to my emotions. Giving in is like giving up your chance of success. In the game called law school it's inevitable to fail a subject, but you could hasten the possibility if you will try to be tough, ignore your emotions, and just focus on the game, which I didn't. I gave in, and now I must suffer the consequences. Good thing is it's just a two-unit subject and when I checked the curriculum I still could graduate on time, but have to do this double-time now.
Ignoring your emotions and not giving a chance to let it interfere with the game is akin to the pursuit of Nirvana which I am into right now. That's for sure is a plus for me, since I wont have a hard time accepting the failure and its consequences, because somehow along the way, even before I knew it I was prepared to face it.
So no more unintelligent absences anymore! Tama muna ang petiks and read my books and study!
What would you feel when someone close to you told you that they would or wouldn't do something? If you're going to ask me I would feel betrayed. The trust he or she has earned in me diminishes.
I happen to share this thought to my a few people and asked them whether I can consider the persons involved in the category of people who don't have word of honor. They say it depends on the circumstance of the case, and yes I might agree. But when you're hurt you're somewhat blinded and honestly I do consider those persons as having no word of honor. It's like perjury in law you know?, it's a little different though because there's the element of an oath.
Anyway, thinking about those people who have made me think twice or more whether they are just fooling me really gives me a hard time giving full trust to people again. And maybe it's time that I let people tell me whatever they want to say and just have it pass like air on my ears.
For a few months now, being 'in pursuit of nirvana' I could say I had some peace, and from what transpired currently which somewhat bothered my senses, I say it's nothing and isn't gonna affect the pursuit.
Well so I was so much into this current LSS of mine, to the point that I searched for the meaning of the lyrics through some people in a forum and here are the interpretations which I liked because they aren't referring to romance or a boy-girl relationship thing:
FIRST INTERPRETATION Your subtleties, they strangle me I can't explain myself at all And all that wants and all that needs I don't want to need at all >> Your remarks and comments and just generally passive-aggressive attitude is constantly aimed at me and I can't take it anymore. I can't explain my reasons for my actions to you because you just can't understand everything in my life and in my head. And everything I want and everything I need is just confusing me and I don't even know what it is I'm looking for.. I want to be self-sufficient, I don't want to need anything or anyone else.
A falling star, at least I fall alone I can't explain what you can't explain You're finding things that you didn't know I look at you with such disdain >>I feel like I'm just failing, drowning in all these thoughts and ideas. I can't explain it all to you, just let me go through it alone. You're learning things about me you never knew and things I didn't want you to know.
The walls are breathing, my mind's unweaving Maybe it's best you left me alone A weight is lifted on this evening, I give the final blow When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight, It ends tonight, it ends tonight >>Everything is just building up and my mind can't take it anymore.. it's too much. Just leave me alone and let me sort it all out. If I can think things through then afterwards I'll be free from this burden and I can forget about it. A little analysis of my "problem" from you won't help.. after tonight I will be done with this, I can leave these struggles behind me. I've been fighting this for too long, it's over.
SECOND INTERPRETATION well, as people were mentioning, it wasn't really written as a breakup song. Tyson Ritter (aka 'lead singer') was rooming with their old guitar tech Tooker. It was during when they were recording and they were staying in a crappy hotel, and Tooker was making him depressed, so it was basically a song about 'smothering him in his sleep'. During a behind the scenes interview on the set of the music video, when Tyson was asked what it was really about, he was actually taken aback by the question. I think that the real meaning is what it is, but every person will look at it differently. This was the one song though, that I'm pretty sure they were not looking at as a breakup, thus the video with the fireworks.
i know for me, it really clicks with having problems with friends. i have had a good deal of problems with friends, and this song always kind of makes me think of what is running through my head during those periods.
THIRD INTERPRETATION It's not about a relationship or anything.....it's about depression...Tyson said that when I saw them in concert last July. I actually read in a interview that he (Meaning Tyson, the lead singer) wrote this song about a former room mate of his who did nothing but eat,work,and sleep. like he didnt have any time to just have fun....
It's about, hate and anger & revenge. Someone wronged him and he needs to clear the air, but not with words, it's too late for that, too complex(I can't explain myself at all) ...(When darkness turns to light) - means by the time the realization of what he's about to do to this person hits them, he will have already sought his revenge...as in punched their lights out as in the line (I'll give the final blow). I have felt anger like this towards someone so the lyrics were ones I could relate too. There isn't enough romantic relationship type lyrics/references in these lyrics to be about a girlfriend/boyfriend break up. The lyrics are at too many points calculated and conclusive...they are said with too much trepidation to be explicitly about romance gone wrong.
I think the guy's been keeping lots of thoughts and feelings from this person who's been giving him a hard time. Finally, he's furious and sees the light. He's had enough and decides everything he's been bearing so far has to end right there and then, so he spills everything he's been keeping back. Great burden's been lifted, although he doesn't like what he's doing or he can't really control himself. When the person tries to understand what's going on, its like its too little too late, although he feels it wasn't really the person's fault for not knowing any of it. anyway, it sounds like something that could happen between any two people who are close..
FOURTH INTERPRETATION I think it's a friendship thing.
The relationship was pretty good until something happens. The friend keeps things to his or herself and it's driving that person crazy. But this person doesn't even know what the problem is. "i can't explain myself at all".
When the friend is finally getting to know this person more, he is drifted away by the things he finds out. The person is disappointed because of the fact that when they got closer, the friendship actually begins to lose its spark.
He realizes that he takes the blame for everything that his friend does wrong -- and that the friendship is one-sided. Everything that he's been keeping away from his friend, it's finally time to let it all out no matter who it hurts and no matter the consequences.
The person is beginning to realize that it's better now that he's alone, and it's time to move on. Before, he didn't think he would be able to move on from his friend but now everything is finally "ending tonight."
That's just my take on it, because I can sorta relate and it's all I can think about when listening to the song.
Your subtleties They strangle me I can't explain myself at all. And all that wants And all that needs All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing My minds unweaving Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted On this evening I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight It ends tonight.
A falling star Least I fall alone. I can't explain what you can't explain. Your finding things that you didn't know I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing My minds unweaving Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted On this evening I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight will make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side It's better than being on your side It's my fault when your blind It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight will make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
May 17-18, 2008. Laiya, San Juan Batangas.. This experience I've shared with my Kanlungan Family is I guess the best summer experience this 2008. The planning was a little bit hard but I was happy we were able to push through with it. Sayang naman ang uwi ni JR from UAE if there wouldn't be any major event together with his Kanlungan Family, though it actually was triple treat, it was a late celebration too of me and Cha. I felt bad when some weren't able to come, but I'd feel really bad when the whole thing won't push through, kasi naman biglang may dumating na bagyo sa Pinas, good thing it headed to the north.
The early schedule of our departure was delayed for some unexpected circumstances but nothing could stop us from continuing the event. The travel to Lipa City was a bit fast, where we are going to meet Happee and head to San Juan Market to meet JR. When we arrived at San Juan Market, Cha, Lem and I bought the ingredients and supplies we need for our food. We had snack at a nearby 'turo-turo' and then head to Laiya afterwards.
Anyway, the experience was a little different than the previous outing we had. Though we assigned Madj to think of activities we never had any, aside from the fact that she wasn't able to think of any. :) But it still was a great experience, and I could say that just being together, sharing food, the long chit-chats, drinking beer and grilling someone in the hotseat, asking for "issue-provoking-and-secret-revealing questions", videoke and doing just about anything under the sun and under one cottage is a whole lot fun.
I pride myself when I was the only one who caught the sunrise. Walking in the shore and sitting on the sand while waiting for the sun to rise gave me a peaceful and magical feeling. The silence and beauty of the shore and the water as the sunlight shines on it is truly a magnificent grandeur!
Whatelse? Hmmm.. I don't want to talk about this but, okay, there are some unexpected annoyances and little problems along the way, but it's up to us to allow it to spoil the event, which we didn't!
Well, the good thing about Laiya is that you just can't have enough and surely we are coming back in 2009 to open our 'test tubes'!!
As promised there would be a part two of the filmfestival! So here are the films I've watched since part 1, and I guess there won't be a part 3, coz I think I had enough and its time that I read my books! hehe!!
39. K-Pax- 3.5 Stars 40. Goodfellas- 3 Stars 41. The Count of Monte Cristo- 3.5 Stars 42. Stock, Lock and two smoking barrels- 2 Stars 43. The thin red line- 3.5 Stars 44. Blades of Glory- 2 Stars 45. Presumed Innocent- 3 Stars 46. The Recruit- 3 Stars 47. The Bucket List- 3.5 Stars 48. Epic Movie- 1 Star 49. Insomnia- 3.5 Stars 50. Donnie Brasco- 3 Stars 51. Scarface- 4 Stars 52. To kill a mocking bird- 3.5 Stars 53. Being John Malkovich- 3 Stars 54. The Departed- 3 Stars 55. Kurt Cobain: About a Son- 3.5 Stars 56. The Rainmaker- 4 Stars 57. Heat- 3 Stars 58. The Bourne Identity- 4.5 Stars 59. The Bourne Supremacy- 4.5 Stars 60. The Bourne Ultimatum- 4.5 Stars 62. Rain Man- 4 Stars 63. Red Dragon- 4 Stars 64. The Graduate- 3.5 Stars 65. Iron Man- 3 Stars 66. The Kite Runner- 3 Stars 67. The Great Debaters- 3 Stars 68. Street Kings- 2.5 Stars 69. Forbidden Kingdom- 2.5 Stars 70. Forrest Gump- 5 Stars 71. What Happens in Vegas- 2.5 Stars 72. 21- 3 Stars
Everybody lies, and I don’t think if I have mastered it. Basically whenever I get myself into some circumstance that I have to lie I could say that I could do it quite flawlessly.
Everybody hurts, but as they say time heals all wounds. And maybe I could say that I am tough enough to endure the pain caused by those wounds. I appear as strong as I am though I am crippled inside. But I just can’t ignore the fact that it has left me a scar, a scar which gives me a hard time to forget
How can someone forget the pain, when everytime a thought comes in your mind, it makes you wonder it has to happen and ruin a part of you. How can someone forget the pain, when a picture of the memories of the past come lingering on your mind.
Yes, I’ve lied a couple of times that everything is alright. But I think it’s just the way it is. Sometimes you lie just to ease the pain momentarily and move on a little bit. The straightforward me, is contradicting the liar in me. I don’t know if it is despicable, but right now, it’s the only way out for me to move on and start anew.
May 12, 2008. Today, I was scheduled to meet up with Jay-R who just came back from UAE. I had to go early from our home so I brought with me my Civil Procedure book and read a couple of pages at Seattle's while waiting for Jay-R. When he arrived we decided to have lunch first. I accompany him to stroll around and shop. It was a little bit tiring for me, since I just had less than two hours of sleep and I my muscles are still in pain after a very tiring hike and trek to Pagsanjan Falls last Saturday. But it was fun. I enjoyed talking and listening to him about his experiences at UAE. When Madj arrived we accompanied her to have dinner and then we had coffee at Starbucks right after. At Starbucks, I was like into a spell, I was just listening to Madj and Jay-R's conversation, well if I only have a pillow I could have slept instantly!
Meeting Jay-R was great! I can't believe nothing changed in him, physically and everything else. Well I'm looking forward to more chitchats on our outing this coming weekend!
I'm quite surprised why I dreamt of Michael Mann. Actually as far as I recall from my dream, there was Al Pacino (who actually was Michael Mann in my dream) and another woman, whom I don’t know. A woman with curls and a blonde.
I've checked on the net who Michael Mann is and Ive found out that he was a critically acclaimed director. I've watched some of his movies and some of it were starred by Al Pacino.
Well maybe I dreamt of him because of my addiction with Pacino films. I don’t want to sound like I'm into unsolving some mystery, but it’s a little bit stranger to dream of a person whom I don’t really know and yet I’ve identified and really do exist.
By the way, his works include the following: The Inside and Heat, where Pacino both starred Aviator, Collateral, Miami Vice and Kingdom
May 10, 2008. With Nil, Mari, Ivan and Kara. Saya-saya mag-hike, trekking, rappelling going to the famous Pagsanjan Falls in Laguna. Though I grew up in Laguna, it was my first time to be there! The hike was tiring but it was fulfilling naman when you've finished the trek. Sarap mabasa sa ilalim ng Pagsanjan Falls!, the best yung feeling, lalo na pag tumatama yung splash of waters and yung mist sa mukha mo! Relaxing! We had a sidetrip din sa Liliw Laguna which is famous for their footwears! It's like 2 hours ata yung travel time namin but it was worth it! Here are the pics!!
I've admired Kurt Cobain since highschool. The words through the lyrics he writes struck me, maybe because it is truly the unconventional which I always try to be. His lyrics are sometimes vague and always capable of different meanings.
The suicide of Kurt Cobain shocked almost everyone(well which some still thought isn't really a suicide but a foul-play). I've read somewhere that he's even dubbed as the John Lennon of his time after his death. But discounting that, I truly am in deep sorrow upon knowing his story. His broken family, his life under a bridge, his cocaine addiction, his fucked-up relationship with Courtney and a lot of things. Well maybe the fact that he has a fucked-up life and still continued living it up though for a while made me admire him more.
Maybe Kurt's death is a dream come true for him, because somehow he has attain the state of nirvana. Complete peace!
THE SUICIDE NOTE
Here's a tribute video of him
Here's a biography of him: Kurt Cobain was born to Donald and Wendy Cobain on February 20, 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington and spent his first six months living in the village of Hoquiam, Washington before the family moved to Aberdeen.He began developing an interest in music early in his life. According to his Aunt Mari, "He was singing from the time he was two. He would sing Beatles songs like 'Hey Jude'. He had a lot of charisma from a very young age."
Cobain's life changed at the age of seven when his parents divorced in 1975, an event which he later cited as having a profound impact on his life. His mother noted that his personality changed dramatically, with Cobain becoming more withdrawn.In a 1993 interview, Cobain said, "I remember feeling ashamed, for some reason. I was ashamed of my parents. I couldn't face some of my friends at school anymore, because I desperately wanted to have the classic, you know, typical family. Mother, father. I wanted that security, so I resented my parents for quite a few years because of that."After a year spent living with his mother following the divorce, Cobain moved to Montesano, Washington to live with his father, but after a few years his youthful rebellion became too overwhelming and he found himself being shuffled between friends and family.
At school, Cobain took little interest in sports. At his father's insistence, Cobain joined the junior high wrestling team. While he was good at it, he despised it. Later, his father signed him up for a local baseball league, where Cobain would intentionally strike out to avoid having to play.Instead, Cobain focused on his art courses. He often drew during classes, including objects associated with human anatomy. Cobain was friends with a gay student at his school, sometimes suffering bullying at the hands of homophobic students. That friendship led some to believe that he himself was gay. In one of his personal journals, Cobain wrote, "I am not gay, although I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes."In a 1993 interview with The Advocate, Cobain claimed that he used to spray paint "God is Gay" on pickup trucks around Aberdeen. Cobain also claimed he was arrested in 1985 for spray-painting "HOMO SEX RULES" on a bank.However, Aberdeen police records show that the phrase for which he was arrested was actually "Ain't got no how watchamacallit".As a teenager growing up in small-town Washington, Cobain eventually found escape through the thriving Pacific Northwest punk scene, going to punk rock shows in Seattle. Eventually, Cobain began frequenting the practice space of fellow Montesano musicians the Melvins.
In the middle of tenth grade, Cobain moved back to live with his mother in Aberdeen. Two weeks before his graduation, Cobain dropped out of high school after realizing that he did not have enough credits to graduate. His mother gave him a choice: either get a job or leave. After a week or so, Cobain found his clothes and other belongings packed away in boxes.Forced out of his mother's home, Cobain often stayed at friends' houses and sneaked into his mother's basement occasionally.Cobain later claimed that when he could not find anywhere else to stay, he lived under a bridge over the Wishkah River,an experience that inspired the Nevermind track "Something in the Way". However, Krist Novoselic claimed that Cobain never really lived there, saying, "He hung out there, but you couldn't live on those muddy banks, with the tides coming up and down. That was his own revisionism."
In late 1986, Cobain moved into the first house he lived in alone and paid his rent by working at a coastal resort twenty miles from Aberdeen.At the same time, Cobain was traveling more frequently to Olympia, Washington to check out rock shows.During his visits to Olympia, Cobain started a relationship with Tracy Marander.
Marriage
Courtney Love first saw Cobain perform in 1989 at a show in Portland, Oregon; the pair talked briefly after the show and Love developed a crush on him.According to journalist Everett True, the pair were formally introduced at an L7/Butthole Surfers concert in Los Angeles in May 1991. In the weeks that followed, after learning from Dave Grohl that she and Cobain shared mutual crushes, Love began pursuing Cobain. After a few weeks of on-again, off-again courtship in the fall of 1991, the two found themselves together on a regular basis, often bonding through drug use.
Around the time of Nirvana's 1992 performance on Saturday Night Live, Love discovered that she was pregnant with Cobain's child. A few days after the conclusion of Nirvana's Pacific Rim tour, on Monday, February 24, 1992, Cobain married Love on Waikiki Beach, Hawaii. "In the last couple months I've gotten engaged and my attitude has changed drastically," Cobain said in an interview with Sassy magazine. "I can't believe how much happier I am. At times I even forget that I'm in a band, I'm so blinded by love. I know that sounds embarrassing, but it's true. I could give up the band right now. It doesn't matter, but I'm under contract."On August 18, the couple's daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, was born. The unusual middle name was given to her because Cobain thought she looked like a kidney bean on the first sonogram he saw of her. Her namesake is Frances McKee of British band The Vaselines and not Frances Farmer as is sometimes reported.
Love was somewhat unpopular with Nirvana fans; her harshest critics said she was merely using him as a vehicle to make herself famous.Critics who compared Cobain to John Lennon were also fond of comparing Love to Yoko Ono. Rumors persist that Cobain wrote most of the songs on the breakthrough album Live Through This of Love's band Hole, partially fueled by the 1996 appearance of a rough mix of "Asking for It" with Cobain singing backing vocals. However, there is no specific evidence to support the assertion.
Cobain's final weeks and death
Following a tour stop at Terminal Eins in Munich, Germany, on March 1, 1994, Cobain was diagnosed with bronchitis and severe laryngitis. He flew to Rome the next day for medical treatment, and was joined there by his wife on March 3. The next morning, Love awoke to find that Cobain had overdosed on a combination of champagne and Rohypnol (Love had a prescription for Rohypnol filled after arriving in Rome). Cobain was immediately rushed to the hospital, and spent the rest of the day unconscious. After five days in the hospital, Cobain was released and returned to Seattle.Love later stated that the incident was Cobain's first suicide attempt.
On March 18, Love phoned police to inform them that Cobain was suicidal and had locked himself in a room with a gun. Police arrived and confiscated several guns and a bottle of pills from Cobain, who insisted that he was not suicidal and had locked himself in the room to hide from Love. When questioned by police, Love admitted that Cobain had never mentioned that he was suicidal and that she had not seen him with a gun.
Love arranged an intervention concerning Cobain's drug use that took place on March 25. The ten people involved included musician friends, record company executives, and one of Cobain's closest friends, Dylan Carlson. Former Nirvana manager Danny Goldberg described Cobain as being "extremely reluctant" and that he "denied that he was doing anything self-destructive." However, by the end of the day, Cobain had agreed to undergo a detox program. Cobain arrived at the Exodus Recovery Center in Los Angeles, California, on March 30. The following night, Cobain walked outside to have a cigarette, then climbed over a six-foot-high fence to leave the facility. He took a taxi to Los Angeles Airport and flew back to Seattle. Over the course of April 2 and April 3, Cobain was spotted in various locations around Seattle, but most of his friends and family were unaware of his whereabouts. On April 3, Love contacted a private investigator, Tom Grant, and hired him to find Cobain.
On April 8, 1994, Cobain's body was discovered in the spare room above the garage at his Lake Washington home by Veca Electric employee Gary Smith. Smith arrived at the house that morning to install security lighting and saw him lying inside. Apart from a minor amount of blood coming out of Cobain's ear, Smith reported seeing no visible signs of trauma, and initially believed that Cobain was asleep. Smith found what he thought might be a suicide note with a pen stuck through it beneath an overturned flowerpot. A shotgun, purchased for Cobain by Dylan Carlson, was found resting on Cobain's chest. Cobain's death certificate stated that his death was a result of a "contact perforating shotgun wound to the head," and concluded his death a suicide. The report estimated Cobain to have died on April 5, 1994.
On April 10, a public vigil was held for Cobain at a park at Seattle Center which drew approximately seven thousand mourners.Prerecorded messages by Krist Novoselic and Courtney Love were played at the memorial. Love read portions of Cobain's suicide note to the crowd and broke down, crying and chastising Cobain. Near the end of the vigil Love arrived at the park and distributed some of Cobain's clothing to those who still remained.Cobain's body was cremated.
KURT COBAIN: ABOUT A SON TRAILER
An intimate and moving meditation on the late musician and artist Kurt Cobain, based on more than 25 hours of previously unheard audio taped interviews conducted with Cobain by noted music journalist Michael Azerrad for his book "Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana." In the flm, Kurt Cobain recounts his own life - from his childhood and adolescence to his days of musical discovery and later dealings with explosive fame - and others often-piercing insights into his life, music, and times. The conversations with Cobain have never before been made public and reveal a highly personal portrait of an artist much discussed but never truly understood.
I've watched the movie waking life and it is one brilliant movie sure to inspire everyone. it is actually an animated film and i think whether you like animated films or not, you can't ignore the movie from the very first scene. The movie's plot centers on the dream of a student, which dream is characterized by a series of meeting chance or otherwise with other people whose intelligent and thought-provoking words made him realize a lot of things in life. Waking life truly would make you wake up on a lot of things about life and realize that good things in life come to those who wake up.
Here's a plot summary from Jeff Mellinger {jmell@uclink4.berkeley.edu}
Dreams. What are they? An escape from reality or reality itself? Waking Life follows the dreams of one man and his attempt to find and discern the absolute difference between waking life and the dreamworld. While trying to figure out a way to wake up, he runs into many people on his way; some of which offer one sentence asides on life, others delving deeply into existential questions and life's mysteries. We become the main character. It becomes our dream and our questions being asked and answered. Can we control our dreams? What are they telling us about life? About death? About ourselves and where we come from and where we are going? The film does not answer all these for us. Instead, it inspires us to ask the questions and find the answers ourselves.
Kainis!, I can't seem to focus on the thing I'm doing. When I am bound to do something, I easily get distracted by a thought and then entertain it and prioritize it over the other. It's a cycle, once a thought comes in, I just cant restrain myself from entertaining it. Maybe it has something to do with me being inclined to do absolutely anything, sort of that 'jack of all trades master of none' charatcer. I don't think if this is good but I know there are disadvantages.
Long time ago I've decided not to meddle with my parent's businesses. I told myself that I would stand on my own, that's why I do have a hard time working with a group. It's just a common thing also for me that I always give my hand to anyone. It's not in my bones to be dependent on someone.
I even rarely ask for favors to my parent's and never request for expensive things. It's not about pride, it's just that I feel and think it's just not right. At my age, I should be working but instead I opted to enter law school, so I should be more concerned with my tuition fee rather some luxury.
Now, when I've watched Godfather, the character of Michael Corleone struck me. He portrays the youngest son of Don Vito, who happens to be indifferent wih respect to the mafia business of the latter. But in the end, with the death of his elder brother Sonny he took over the mafia business. I believe there's a certain touch of Michael Corleone in each one of us, usually when we are in our early adult life. The time when we are creating our own name and image and trying to be dependent.
I don't know whether I could live with my ideals when the time comes that my parent's retire. I don't know if I could stand up on my philosophies. But right now, I'm firm with my decision not to meddle with my parent's businesses.
I believe, somehow I am like Michael Corleone but I don't know whether I would be totally like him as what he have portrayed throughout the movie. But who knows circumstances might change the course of things.
I am wondering whether it would be good for me to join a new group. It even occurred to me that it might be good for me if I join a fraternity. There are some people in school which I admire in the sense that they exude a very strong, unique, and cool personality. Despite the fact that a lot of people get irritated with them still there's something in them which attracts me. I don't know, but I somewhat agree in one of the laws in 48 laws of power which says that you should be more close to your enemies. It gives us an idea that your friends are more dangerous and have the greater tendency to stab you at the back. A logical reason for this is the fact that your feud with your enemies is quite in the wide open and from the moment the feud arose you have managed to master the retaliation measures and the way you're going to be on the look out all the time. This is not so with respect to your friends, because all along you have somewhat invested in them trust which has all the possibilities of being too dangerous in the end.
There are some things which lead me to this line of thinking, but right now, the time is way too far to make a decision, moreso if I am in a state of confusion as a product of my idleness..
By the way here's Rule 2 from 48 Laws of Power the one I'm talking about:
Law 2 Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies
Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.
I don't know exactly if its paranoia or it's caused by the idleness that I have to deal with during my break from law school. Either way, it is causing me sleepless nights and confusion. Everytime that I have a break from law school it always makes me think on the possibility of taking a leave of absence from law school. The possibility that I could have a job and earn. I don't know.. I'm confused again.
