GUILT-STRICKEN

They say that be careful what you wish for because you might get it. At one point when I have experienced, I think the greatest catastrophe in my whole academic life, I wished that those people who have somewhat have been responsible directly or indirectly pay for whatever their participation they had. For the pains they have caused me. Now, I must say, I am feeling that the wish I once asked for is coming to reality. But I do not feel glad about it.

My conscience keeps on bugging me. Those devilish thoughts, those curses I made are uncalled for! So inhumane!

Those people involved are now suffering the pain, I've wished they would have felt during the times that I am feeling and enduring them. I can rightly see through their eyes, and it pains me to see them that way.

I don't know. I know I could say that, Karma strikes back in the right time. But I feel so bad about myself when I did not feel contented of the notion of karma, and instead wished or worse cursed them.

I could cite a lot of reasons to free myself from the guilt I am feeling right now. The fact that these people could really deserve the pain they are feeling. The fact that they themselves might have done something wrong. The fact that they are the ones to blame for they are still in control of whatever the consequences of their actions or inactions.

But then again whether or not these reasons/justifications are true or not, I can't erase the fact that at one point I have wished/cursed that these people would bear the pain they have right now.. The pain that these people directly/indirectly caused. The pain that I have endured for quite sometime.. The pain that at one point I thought caused by the people who at one point I considered so dear to me..

The thought of detaching has already sunk in my senses and the less I could do is to glance and look back at those moments when everything's just fine.. Detachment, has already began, this might be a very difficult decision, but I think this is the only way to continually move on in these times when I don't even know who I can count on in the end..

As I've said in the opening line of this post that, we should be careful what we wish for, for we might get it.. Having said that, I am certain that I'd be careful from now when I wish for something to happen.. And I want to start by saying that: I wish that tomorrow's a brand new day for me. No more guilty conscience. No more hang-ups. Totally detached emotions. And just a more focused me this second semester of my third year!

FISHY THOUGHTS

Kurt Cobain once said: “It’s okay to eat fish 'coz they don’t have any feelings..”

Now, I say, “It’s cool to be with fishes, 'coz their brain's the size of a pebble, they hardly remember any pain..”

THOUGHTS ON MATURITY

How do you measure maturity? Or when do you say that a person is mature enough? By the way, I’m not talking about age here. I bet you know the concept of maturity I am talking about.

Everyday we deal with a lot of people, some our age, some a little older than us. Despite the difference in age, we try to mingle with them. We try to cope up with the level of maturity these people have. But what if, despite trying, you’ll end up asking yourself why you tried in the first place. When it’s a given fact that mature people and immature ones cannot co-exist, well figuratively..

Now, how would you determine if one is mature or immature? How do you get rid of immature people around you? Is it possible to treat them as if they ‘really do not exist’ in your world?

Immaturity makes any kind of relationship too fragile to handle. Much more when you’re in an environment where you expect people to be a little bit competitive with each other. In an environment, where you’re not even sure whose your enemy. In an environment, where there’s the possibility of people not only stabbing you behind your back but even when they are in front of you.

I am sick of immaturity and I’m afraid I can’t tolerate anymore all forms of it. The past few weeks that I became silent about everything that’s happening is already a statement. As I always say to myself, the more I talk, the more I could cause harm or trouble. And I guess there are some things which are not worth talking anymore because people would just end up arguing.

To those people who have seen my rage well that’s just about me. And to those people who have seen how I almost ruthlessly broke the innocent fixtures around, that’s just the way I release the rage inside me. So sorry for that.

Having said ‘sorry’, I want to talk about apologizing and the word ‘Sorry’. ‘Sorry’ is such a strong word for me, yet I find people almost always saying ‘sorry’ to others. It has become so casual a word that people saying ‘Sorry’ doesn’t even mean it. I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe that people are sorry when they say they’re ‘sorry’.

As they say, ‘talk is cheap’, so show me, let me feel that you’re really sorry for what you’ve done. I have a very analytical way of thinking so if the words coming from your mouth don’t appeal to common sense then I naturally have a hard time believing what you’re saying is true.

Taking the cue from ‘talk is cheap’ and relating this to the concept of immaturity, I must say that this two can stand together. Why? Because an immature person usually is a talk-shit! He/she says that he/she will do this or that. Or that he/she promises to do something for you or that he/she screams to the whole world that he/she loves you, and in the end they’ll ditch you. I believe a person’s maturity is measured by how he/she is firm and consistent with whatever he/she says no matter what.

Just a reminder to readers of my blog, talk-shits and those who don’t have ‘Word of honor’ are on top of the list of people who eventually I’ll get rid of. So spread the word!

The Devil in ME

I can't believe how bad I could be nowadays. There are a lot of evil thoughts coming in and out of my mind. Grabe! To the point of putting these thoughts into the category of "Revenge". What is happening to me? I hate to say this, but I am putting the blame on the people who caused me pain in the past. But, thanks you just made me stronger. You made me realize that once in a while you should keep myself on-guard with people like you.

Damn it! Enough of this! I just said in the previous post that I'm going to screw drama in my life (well in law school life for that matter)!

I'll trust my instincts from now on!

Hindi ko kinakaya yung mga nangyayari.. Well figuratively! I should have not doubted my instincts! I should have entertained the thought so I wouldn't feel this way. Hehe! I really don't know what to feel right now. Pwede kasi ako mag-tampo, but I just can't eh. Siguro, somehow, I feel left-out lang, but I'm a little bit used to that eh, so parang hangin lang sya na dumaan. Pwedeng itulog.

With everything I've been through. With all the realizations I had with respect to my relationships, with friends, acquaintances, lovers and others, I must say that I can endure every emotion that comes my way. Bring it on! I don't know if I'm really apathetic or plain insensitive. I even told a friend that, I can be on my own. Mas ok nga yun eh, walang distractions. Walang kailangang pakisamahan. Walang kaartehan. Walang kalandian. Walang sakitan. I don't have to consider the feelings of others.

As I always say, it's really hard to accept the fact that one cannot find friends in the real world. (Well I consider Law School as part of the real world). Kumbaga, the term "friends" in law school would be equivalent to a "companion", a buddy. Yun bang kasa-kasama, for convenience purposes. And ultimately for survival. Well of course, you really can't survive on your own in law school. Gamitan. Gaguhan. Back-stabban. It's hard. Napakahirap, buti madali ko na-set yung mind ko that, in the end, my success depends entirely on me. Hindi ako nagkamali sa realization ko that, my relationships with people in law school should be on a professional level. It's really hard when you mix it up kasi with emotions.

It may be hard but it's the only way to be more focused with my studies, and that is to detach myself with others emotionally. It may appear unfair to some people close to me that I somewhat drift away (well if ever these people really care enough for me). But I need to do this, because I don't want to let my emotions eat me again. I don't want other people ruin my goals. Tama na siguro yung pakikisama, because I really tried my best to forge the friendship I desire, but it was futile. Ako din ang talo in the end.

So in conclusion, focus na talaga ako sa studies. I'll totally ignore the drama na. And kung wala talaga ako companions in law school, so be it, I really have to fend for myself.

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

(instrumental break)

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

ALONE AGAIN,, NATURALLY.

Have you ever felt so alone? Yeah right, we do get a share of solitude once in a while. It's a given truth we have to deal with, that people will leave you.

Even if there are still a few people I hang out with in Law School, still I feel I am alone. Law School stresses me big time. Readings, recitations and examinations are inevitable stressors, but I never thought that people you get to mingle with in law school could give you stress!

Tang-ina talaga! Sobrang dami ng immature sa Law School. To think that we're actually in post-grad studies. I tried being insensitive, being somewhat apathetic about events happening in Law School, yet I can't seem to understand why I would get involve in a petty issue. Tang-ina talaga!

I feel so sad tonight. I feel like crying, yet I can't. I don't know. I can't say that "bato" na ako, coz why would I feel this way diba?..

A friend reminded me the idea of "detachment". The idea which led me to believe that I can actually move on with my life without those people who didn't even care.

I'm tired of being good and doing good to others (well to people in law school for that matter). I'm tired of immaturity. I'm tired of insensitivity. I'm tired of being disappointed.

BURAOT NA BURAOT TALAGA AKO!!!!!! I want to be alone, yet being alone kills me! I want to be with someone, with people you share your interests with and people you can laugh out with. People who wouldn't leave you for others. Tang-ina kasi talaga eh!

SOBRANG SAWANG-SAWA NAKO SA PAKIKISAMA!!!

Finally got the time!

Yey! Thanks for my pending downloads, I can write a new post! So what have happened to me the past few weeks.

-- Nakita ko na si Bamboo in person wahaha!, he just moved in with his wife who's pregnant in our village, and malapit lang sila sa house namin! now that's cool right!
-- Hay, haven't got a performance level recitation yet in my civil procedure, well I expected to have one in my class today, but what do you know, I was asked a case which I didn't expect to be asked. Well it all boils down to being lucky in the questions thrown at you, 'coz I know the answers to the questions being asked to my other classmates. Tsk! Tsk!
-- I'm quite appalled about hearing that, one of my closest friends said, that 'I wished that I was wrong in my answers to my recit', he actually was referring to me. Well, just took it as a joke, just not to cause some dead air. Anyway, I'm not anymore concerned with people wishing that something undesirable happen to you, it's a normal occurrence and I do sometimes do that! So patas lang!
-- Hay, junior law school is really tough!, good thing I can still laugh out loud! haha!!

So long for now, my downloads are completed already! And gee its 1AM already still have to study for Wills and Succession! tsk!tsk! :)