Swing, Swing

Waking up everyday, feeling so empty and caught up by emotions of yesterday just adds up to the irritation caused by the changing weather and the fact that I'm broke. I chose to be apathetic with all the problems that I have to face, but they just keep on lingering. It sickens me.

I thought I'd need to breathe, but breathing itself seems to get harder and harder everyday. The pre-conceived notion that a guy my age should have been on his way to the corporate ladder or better yet earning big bucks already makes me want to just leave the house and get on my feet.

I've been writing a lot of inspiring and motivating entries here, as if proclaiming I have all the authority to do so. I don't even know why I have written those entries in the first place, when in fact my life is as close to becoming miserable in just one push of a button.

Maybe I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Or maybe I don't really know what it is I am looking for. All my life, I've been competitive and determined to get what I want. But as of this moment, I feel like living the life I chose seemed to get more and more complicated every waking hour.

It's always my principle in life that when you start something you've got to finish it. I've never been a quitter. I don't even want to be called one, it pisses me off. But what if quitting is the only way to move on with your life. What if what you've started should have never been started at all.

The problem with quitting is it's not a walk in the park. Quitting entails a lot of guts and a huge amount of courage to swallow your pride and ego. Quitting is even harder if there are people involved, especially your family.

Most of us Filipinos are family-oriented. Our parents always support us with our studies all throughout College and some even with their post-graduate studies. Unlike the Caucasians who at a certain young age live independently from their parents. There are the pros and cons of living independently but I come to think that what if we are raised that way. I wonder if I'd still feel all the uncertainties I have right now. Maybe, just maybe, being alone I'd be able to make up my own decisions without even thinking about what my parents would have to say.

For almost 2 months now, I haven't communicated with the people in school. I really had a partial hiatus with my friendster, multiply and facebook accounts. I felt opening up a conversation with them would just make it difficult for me to get the breather I need. Don't get me wrong, I do miss them, especially that someone, but I thought I have to do this.

Mood swings have been a common problem with my personality. Maybe if ever I do get a check-up from a specialist I think I'd even be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Sometimes I just wake up and feel I hate the world and don't want to talk. Now, how insane is that?

Haay.. Blogging is the only thing I can think of that keeps me sane. Thanks Blogger!

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Tangnaloob! tan-tanan mo nakong Mood Swings ka!!

Last Minute Mood Swing Syndrome

Arrgh! Iba talaga ang mood swings ko! Classes resume today, and here I am at 3:20AM still online making a post out of my "last-minute mood swing syndrome". Minsan I really can't understand myself na talaga. May times that because I am very much overwhelmed by an experience, I let it penetrate my senses fully to the point that wala na ko pakialam if I am making the right decisions. I have a very crazy personality talaga, and I damn hate it!

So 3:24 AM na! kamusta naman? talagang hindi na talaga ako papasok tomorrow. ALthough ulit lang yung topic for Insurance tomorrow, I just don't feel like going to school tomorrow. Parang ayoko muna pa makita mga classmates ko. Minsan ayoko nga makicommunicate sa isang law student eh. I find myself complicated na nga, tapos law student din makakaharap ko! haay! Ilang beses na sumagi sa isip ko ang mag-drop out of law school, but with the constant motivation from friends I'm still here and luckily I'm still a regular student, wala pa ko binabagsak! Minsan I am thinking din, that there are a lot of students that are more deserving to me na dapat wala pa binabagsak kasi masipag naman sila. Anyway, as I've said, many times have I thought of dropping law school but still I'm here. Sometimes kasi I am proud of saying out loud that, "Ok firm na ang decision ko, tutuloy na ko sa Law School!" Pero as I've said din sa ilang friends ko, ayoko ng nagbabakasyon talaga at natetengga sa bahay kasi hinahangin talaga ang utak ko. And itong nararamdaman at desisyon kong wag pumasok bukas eh, part ng pagkahangin ng utak ko! Haayzz! Nahihiya na talaga ako sa parents ko kung alam lang nila tong ginagawa ko! Nakuwento ko din nga sa isang friend kahapon na kaya din siguro hindi ako matuloy-tuloy mag-drop out eh dahil din sa mom ko, nakakahiya din kasi sayang din yung libong nagastos ko sa tuition, sa libro, sa allowance.

I wanted to be a lawyer. I know there's a lot of opportunities in store for me. I know, by being one, I can utilize my skills and bring to life my interests in writing and educating people, and doing community service. A question bugs my head, on whether lawyering is the best way to do all of these. I know one could argue that it's not. But I really want to finish what I have started and I hope I could continue everything all the way to the finish line!

Later at around 10AM, I'll go out and think, think and think. I even want to go to church and pray, so that by Tuesday I'll be ready to face my classmates and professors. I just need one last day out to release the tension inside me!